Shall blog while i'm still 17.

To think of it, this past soon-to-be 18 years of my life, I've done nothing exciting, happening or law-breaking. Which is rather sad - because in a way, your teenage years are the times when you do really happening stuff, experiment with stuff and other what nots, RIGHT? Okay lah, the most happening thing I ever experienced was joining rugby, that's all. -.-

Not a girl soon, not yet a woman. But still a human paying student's fare for bus and mrt trips.

uh, one more year close to death =/ I've done nothing great yet. I needa achieve something before leaving. I will. Okay bye.

teenage angst, walaoeh. can't stand myself.

1 more day, not looking forward to it.

Dear Mom,

I'm tired of being a good girl. No matter how hard I try to please you, you'll never be happy. You never understood how far each time I have to go in order to just make you pleased. It's hard, it's tiring. Not getting what I should get in return gets on my nerves. Even the slightest request I have, such as being back late, staying up late in my own damn fucking room so that I can study, keep a pet, you won't allow. Even if you do, such as for the first two, you'll harp on it forever, you threaten, you scold, you insult. I'm tolerating that. I have been tolerating that and I will tolerate that. But it gets a little too much at times. You don't know how fucking hard I try to be a good girl whenever I see my friends doing stuff that I shouldn't do. You don't fucking know. I could have smoke, could have drop out of school, could have left home and could have retaliated whenever you did or said something to me. But I didn't. Because I spared a thought for you and Dad. I know you care, but, your expression of such care and concern scares me. Too violent.

You can smash whatever you want. I don't give a fuck. Smash my face. Smash my skull, and end my life. I'm a burden to you right?

I don't want anything. I don't want a digi cam, a pet or holidays anymore. This is the best birthday present I received from you. I'll remember it. The others, keep it for yourself. Continue working. Don't give two hoots about me. Perhaps then, when I fail in life, I might feel just better.

Don't talk about not knowing me anymore, you never knew me in the first place. Talk about the basic stuff, you don't even know what class am I in, or what's my school's acronym. It's ok. Work's more important.

I'm not trying to sound like a daughter who has been victimised or whatever. I'm perfectly fine. You get my flow.

I love you..

I bought a new mouse.

It's lime green in colour. I had a variety of choices, but I chose green instead, I don't know why.

It has red light.

It's very slippery.

Wife tells me to feed it to the cats.

I want my birthday wish list too. Seeing Deb making on on lj makes me feel like doing it therefore ben nai nai shall do it though i seriously think i should be cutting my hair or doing some good lord work right now.

HMM, I'LL REVISE ON IT AND POST IT TMR.

BTW, HAPPY BURPSDAY IN ADVANCE BRA. YOU'RE 18 NOW. DECEPTACON ALL THE WAY. OKAY KIDDING LOVEYA BYEBYE.



So long ago.
So young then.
So in love then.
So perfect then.

Still so mesmerizing. I think I didn't blink for the entire duration of this video.

So, the conclusion is that I'm in severe need of sleep. But the thing is that I can't sleep at night! Although I'm drowsy like a mudpie during the day, I'm wide awake in the night, a good example would be right now!! And I'm feeling every agitated because I cannot get my body to work properly right now!!! In the day, I can't study cos I'm damn freaking sleepy. And during the night, I can't study well either because when I need help from certain people (for math esp omgah), there's no one online, and you can't possibly want me to call them on their handphones and wake them up just for me to ask some questions right!!!? OMGAH!

With nothing to do, except online shopping till there's nothing in my bank, I'm practically peregrinating all around my room, wondering how can I save my balding eyelashes, increase the money in my bank, and worrying about A's.

And my class, is a pathetic piece of fuck. There's no picture of comity within us. People don't like one another, back stabbing, individualistic, arrogance, and despising. What's more. 1A04 should have disappeared from the face of the earth during 2007 - so that such incorrigible stuff would never happen. Thank god I didn't attend school today, because hearing about it already gets me boiled up, can you imagine what will happen to me if I was there? Disgusting - probably an underrated word. And yeah, instead of ranting about it, I should do something to help, right? Tell me about it.

everything just stopped,

I am finally utilising my "Study Club Membership" well now. It's not that bad of a place either. Pretty quiet, a cute boy was beside me moments ago, air-con at just of right temperature, able to work pretty well with gp research, Uni girl beside me studying motivates the hell out of me (she has purple nails btw.)

The last time I ever entered a Studying Room at a Community Centre was about April or March, RIGHT AFTER THE FIRST CONTACT RUGBY TRAINING I HAD WITH THE GIRLS.

Oh god, I freaking miss rugby soooo much. And after such a long period of not exercising, I doubt I can even run one round the field for warm up now. :(

I miss Derelyn shouting at us whether to do "Babak or Nehneh or Chiku"
I miss her complaining to us that the names we gave our moves are horrible and we are like throwing her face with such names (HAHA).
I miss getting bak kwas from rugby.
I miss bandaging my calf and lying to my mom that I pulled a muscle when actually I had a wound there.
I miss diving.
I miss tackling.
I miss SA junior school's field where I accidentally ate the rubber bits.
I miss slapping thighs
I miss crashing into people.
I miss laughing with my team at the girl from another JC with humongous breasts.
I miss drinking diluted redbull from Captain's nalgene waterbottle.
I miss exploding on the field whenever I couldn't get a move right.
I miss kicking balls.
I miss catching balls.
I miss learning how to throw like a hooker.
I miss imagining wonderful moves that could possibly be executed on the pitch.
I miss moving the soccer post with the girls and hanging on it.
I miss singing corny love songs with my team.
I miss our team talk sessions
I miss our huddling.
I miss our cheer.
I miss our warm up sessions.
I miss all the encouragement we gave one another whenever we executed a move properly or score a try.
I miss diving and touching the person at the same time.
I miss trying.
I miss trying and having people crashing onto me.
I miss people stepping on my foot on the pitch
I miss people pushing me hard on the pitch.
I miss playing with the boys on saturdays
I miss lunching/dining with them after our training.
I miss teh peng and chin chau.
I miss falling down for rugby.

Talking about falling down for rugby, it is probably the only moment that when you dive and fall and not feel embarrassed about it. Especially if you try.

I miss Rugby.

I miss the life I used to had.

Back to books. Sighs.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

I stayed up in school till 4am yesterday. Talk about endurance, I was one of the first few to leave, together with deb&bf and nurul. I died okay, pangsai. But towards the starting of the late night morning, it wasn't that bad together with Lisa and Deb. We were talking nonsense while doing work dilligently. Then the hyped tide down a little, until Deb's bf came and we don;'t know how started on the topic of abstinence and Deb just went like "abstinence ah" to her bf. We laughed like crazy. OKAY IT SEEMS LIKE ITS NOT VERY ASSURING THAT WE DID LAUGH, BUT WE DID LAUGHED.

On the other hand, I silently made a vow to myself in the cab home yesterday that I should use less hokkien and chinese now. These 2 come out of me unconsciously whenever I'm desperate. Not that they are bad, but it's weird if I were to speak in chinese and hokkien to a bunch of people who barely understands "simi" is "what" in hokkien.

The set up is finally up, left with 2 frames, the wiring and the set up and the confirmation of prep. Can't wait for all these to be over. Been totally out of civilisation for God knows how long. I wake up at 530am, leave school at 630am, all the way till 9pm, sleep at 3-4plus am. And the cycle continues. It's a neverending story. (Like Bayu Utomo Radjikin) The last time I ever remembered being out of civilisation was during the CLT camp, when George came and coined up that term.

So as I was bawling my eyes out yesterday due to insufficient of sleep and excessive scoldings and pressure with slight accusations, in the fusion house, We had unexpected visitors. Just when I thought tearing in front of miss yeo and CS and XC and deb and ter and lisa was bad enough, Jerry and Alvin came. Wrong moment. But thanks for the pens and donuts, they helped (:

As I was eating the donuts, facing the corner, not much difference from a prisoner of war, just that I'm fatter, clothed and eating a donut in an aircon room, I felt really pathetic. I don't know why, I felt so small and pathetic and F-ed up.

I miss spending time with jayjay and weister.
I miss spending time with the coterie.
I miss spending time with mom and dad.
I miss picking up your phone calls as I'm always rejecting them.
I miss meeting up with wifey.

Quoting Michelle: "Sadness fills my heart." And Hanpin will never fail to correct me: "nynette, it's sadness and sorrows fills my heart." -_-

I left my skirt in the fusion house, I'll be skirtless on monday. Whooo, I'll be using my membership FINALLY.

Before I face my 8 black boards..

We're always complaining how sucky art is and how bad are our drawings, how unreasonable the teachers are at times and how hot and dusty the place is, how ill-equipped the art room is, etc.

But when coursework is over, I'm so gonna miss it badly. Ya la ya la. I know I everytime get emotional and pissed and frustrated over art. But after everything is like completed and set up, and all you care is about the bond that was created within these 6 months of terror and agony, it gets pretty depressing.

Coursework completed = no more late nights in school, no more dusty room, no morelesser crying times and feeling depressed, no more scoldings, no more frustrations, no more terrorizing number of sketches to be completed, no more continuos sleepless nights..

Coursework completed = no more clubbing - hanpin's style, no more 'eh eh eh eh ahhh!", no more video sessions for youtube, no more MacOS, no more free snacks, no more visits to art friend, no more visits to hardware shop, no more shouting funnily, no more baking boxes, no more painting boxes, no more dirtying yourself and other people, no more MacBook camwhoring, no more photobooth, no more getting cuts and bleeding like crazy, no more getting furniture glue in your eye, no more wearing of wigs, no more dressing the guys up, no more blowing of sunflowers, no more tracing and sketching, no more dining together, no more pats of comfort, no more going home with melvin, no more wearing of slippers, no more ponning school to school, no more happy drink, no more macs delivery, no more talking to oneself, no more chronicles, no more armpit sisters..

no more fun. :(

If art was taken as the only subject, I think we would all feel lighter.

Okay, tomorrow, picture heavy. All armed with cameras.

You know what's the best of all bestest parts?

It's when rumors, from god knows where, surfaces from friends, spreading to other friends, falsely claiming that you like this other boy and blahblahblahblah.

And the result: A strained friendship with that boy.

The boy whom you barely know, and treated as a normal everyday friend.

How about spreading the rumor that Keanu Reeves actually live in the same housing estate as me? I think it's better. At least, I know I like Keanu Reeves.

Crying is good

Crying clears my head and allows me to vent my frustrations.

It is goood.

Crying makes me feel better.

Crying makes me realise that I'm such a weak fuck.

Finally a moment,

This is the first time in many weeks that I'm actually sleeping in the night of the day that I woke up to. I don't know why, but I'm pretty ecstatic now, though it's 15mins to midnight.

To prevent me ears from bleeding, I shall sleep early (not so), and face doom later in the morning.

hurrah for sleepers! I've never felt so happy about sleeping so early, and knowing that I'll be minced tomorrow!

V(^_^)V

Gnights!

from all the love in the world. (:

I think it's home.

I get freaking irritated whenever I reach home, and switching on the computer makes it way worse. I don't know why - considering the fact that the comp is one of the few entertainments I have in this house. (Computer, Tv, ipod, radio, handphone.. errr no more) It should be, fun right? Whatever.

Im damn tired.

On the other hand, I'm like having this fetish for papaya stuff - soap, scrub, perfume (eww?). Perhaps, papaya polaroid? HAHAHAHA shut up.

I want to slap, kick, punch, scream, claw, bite, pinch, pull, push someone/something right now.

My virgin experiences on Youtube. OMG.

Enjoy, laughing at me. HAHAHAH but i like.

icutmyownhairokdontgaspimscaredtoo

Due to unknown stress and burden, I finally decided to vent them out.
A haircut, by myself. Okay la, I was inspired on how cute Ada looked when she sliced her fringe off. And since she told me how to do it. I did it. I totally have no idea where did I muster all those courage from, but it was sure hell alot of it.

Hi, this is the new, further improvised, spastic me.. it looks alil crooked here, but oh well.

and this is for nadgoff(:
I apologise for the massive polaroid illustrations, pictionaries to be exact, I'm just really crazy over it right now. Doubly crazy, cos I don't own one. HAHAHA. With the huge amount of research that I did today on the discontinuation of Polaroid cameras and films (that got me pretty devastated), I found a substitute for it! FUJI FILM! and the cameras are really cute - I meant the instant ones. Makes you go 'awwww' And I did all these when I was supposed to be doing art, most of the time. Gah.

I feel so urgh.

I want to tell someone everything, but I know nothing's gonna come out. Perhaps I should just cry my ass off, that would definitely make me feel better. The pain in the head isn't really helping either.

I feel like a total loser for forgetting friend's birthdays, or confusing people up.. I'm sorry

Happy 19th Birthday LinQiang. - 9/9
Happy 18th Birthday Lama JM - 6/9
Happy 18th Birthday Zhirong - 2/9
Happy 18th Birthday Minah2IC - 28/8
Happy 18th Birthday Chewy - 22/8

On the other hand, my leg hurts from knocking the table in the art room a few days ago and now, I can't walk properly.

What is this what is this what is thissssssss!

okay great, now I'm fat and dumb and slow and likes to cry. awesome yo.

hands, will you just just move a little faster? draw them darn good and shove it into her face, and call it a day because im pretty tired from all the nonsense that i'm getting in school. it sucks.

praise god. i miss church out of a sudden. i miss attending church with people i know.

anyway, i slept at 5 yesterday. in the morning. ohhhh mother lee's real angry.

i wuv you. (:

To: You, as of only you are concerned..

Thanks for always being there. Though I always act nonchalant whenever you're around, I really appreciate your presence, it actually means alot. Thanks for all the care and concerns that you've constantly showered on me whenever I need someone to be there. You're always there. There is almost no single time that I cannot find you. I appreciate the late night chats we have, despite it's always me ranting and you listening. We have an unbalanced relationship, I'm sure it's quite obvious. It's either I'm blabbering and ranting non stop with you listening, and laughing at certain parts of my storytelling session, or you telling me about your stuff, where I would listen to it intently. You lead an interesting life, and you do know that. You been to almost to all parts of the world whereas the furthest I went was like Australia. You need to go, you have to go and you will be going. I enjoyed the times we spent together, the times we went out, and met up for no apparent reason. Thanks for tolerating my crazy school system that generates outrageous timetables, now that's earlier, we should treasure all the times we can spend with each other. Thanks for hearing me ranting about the guy at that point of time. You'd always be there whenever I need you.

Enough of acting strong.

I actually don't want you to leave. Though nothing's confirmed, I know you'll be leaving one day. Good things never last long, remember? I'll miss your presence, your shoulders, your hugs and your voice. I'll miss the things you've done for me. The weird random gifts and flowers and your attempt at creating presents for me. I'll keep it for as long as it can last. If I could, I would want you to stay. But I shouldn't, right? Sometimes I don't understand why I lead such a drama life. It's funny how we collide into each others' path and decided to walk a certain part of our lives together. Now, I think we're reaching the Y junction again.

It's really hard to see you go. I don't think I'll be going to send you off. I don't know what to say anymore. I think i'll just bawl my eyes out.

Will you forget me? Cos I don't think I will.

I am very fat and I feel very disgusted with myself. At first, it was only whenever I saw the mirror. Now, it's like I don't even have to see the mirror and it's already disgusting enough. How bad is it huh.

I want to be thin. It makes me feel good. Previously, touch rugby was the one and only thing that made me feel good about myself - because I'm working out, exercising and shaking those flabs away, and also being together with a group of girls I totally adore. There were people for me to look up to, people like Derelyn, Brig, Vic, Dorothy, Jiayu. I wanted to be like them. Slim, smart and sporty. I used to not fit in any of those 3, till I came SR and joined touched and I became sporty for many months. Then now, I prohibited to play, thus eliminating the sporty side. I wasn't slim, I wasn't smart, and now, I can't be sporty. I am nothing now. The world is superficial. You need looks. You need to be thin in order to wear those beautiful apparrels on the magazines and look right. You need to be slim in order for people to look at you the right way.

I'm not even wanting to be pretty. I just want to be thin/slim or whatever shit. I wouldnt mind being stick thin, then I can eat all I want and expand to the correct size.

I need to do something to these tubs of oil. I could donate them to Saudi Arabia and they could probably increase the supply of oil significantly. Yup, that's a good idea.

fat thighs, fat tummy, flabby arms and no jawline. what more could I ask for?

I am a manic depressive.

What mental disorder do you have? Your Result: Manic Depressive You have extreme cycles of highs and lows. Sometimes you feel like you don't know who you are. One week you could be very hyper and happy and the next week you are slow and depressed.
Paranoia
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
What mental disorder do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

oh dear. wife, yi hou jiu kao ni le.

I dont wanna hear about her no more.

2 days in total and I only had 4 hours of sleep. Barely 2 per day. Awesome. So I totally K.O-ed today during Econs lecture, only to find myself groggily waking up to flip the page and then doze off all over again. And for the half an hour break after econs, I went to sleep, only to get myself horribly shaken by Alvin's shakes. Other than that, sleeping was good. Just that it made me a little confused? Like I don't remember attending Econs lecture, or telling Alvin to go away. HAHAHA. But I do now.

So, econs homework not done.
Art, not completed.

Hmm. Pon tomorrow? Yes please. But I'll be ponning to go school tomorrow. Stupid or whattt.

After friday, I'll be recovering all the sleepless nights I had and I totally can't wait for it.

More sleep = Higher chances of seeing Gilbert on saturdays. Definitely 89675454343 thumbs up. (:

And it's time for me to maximise my membership of the study club at my CC.

My thumbdrive died on me and my mom replaced it with a skinny one which makes me pretty sad whenever I see it, I don't know why. I still prefer my fat thumbdrive though. Though only 1gb, but it's expandable. :(

You make me fall in love with everything once again.

I love Polaroid cameras. :) My dad refuses to get me one. But pictures taken with polaroid cams make me fall in love, with photgraphy. POLAROID IS AWESOME THOUGH ITS EX.

Okay, I think it's art side of me talking now. :( So near yet so far.

Hi, I'm arting today. I wished I did something like what HAMJINPENG did for art. More fun right..

-pics taken from deviantart

Seriously, I've always never understood what goes through my head in order for me to come up with an conclusion and executing it. But the ideas sometime just suck to the maximum - to the extent that I cannot believe that I was the one that suggested it. Perhaps it's not good enough for myself and it pleases everybody. But it needs to be good. Very good.

I wished I didn't have so many responsibilities to bear, and so many things that I'd never let go. I wished I could, too, go overseas and have fun. I wished I could go around the world and take photos of other people, and other stuff. I wished I could play contact rugby and not get any injuries (IRONY PLS) so that my mom would allow me to continue playing. Apparently this won't happen because she has seen the bak kwas of TouchRugby. In the first place, it's already "TOUCH rugby", so she thinks it's slightly gentler. But Contact Rugby sounds to risky. She say one la. I also don't know when she had the knowledge of Rugby. Cos all the while, she though I was playing Baseball. I'm serious. I mean, if she said soccer or something, still not that bad la. But BASEBALL!? HAHAHAHAH. I love my mom man.

(:

Art camp was a major success - in a way, in terms of settling of ideas and taking of pictures. HAHA. Don't think 2 days very short, Deb and I managed to filmed "The Chronicles of Deb and Nette" within half hour when we were supposed to be sketching. Dont pray pray i tell you. Below is the behind the scenes and trailer for "TCODAN" (The Chronicles of Deb and Nette)


"Commando ehhhh!!"

they were cycling...
HAIS. HAHAHAHAH

BRA
LEESA

This is the REAL trailer. (:

HAHAAHAHA. So we were very tired people, trying to de-stress while having art in distress (pun by deb), it was damn retarded.

So, you know whats the best part about a long day's work?

Your love, waiting for you. (:

The best sms ever received:

"There's Constantine on Channel 5 tonight. Reward yourself after 2 days of arting by ogling at keanu reeves face. Hahahaha. provided you do not zonk out lah. heh." -- jayjay

Awesome. I'm looking at him now. Why is he so hot though old HUH!?

lernett warhol constantine. :D

Warhol, oh Warhol

Art.

Sighs.

That's Andy Warhol for you. The artist that created the colorful Marilyn Monroe and Mao. So I had a crush on him while studying about him (Okay fine, he's gay and dead. rah) What a way. But then again, it seems like most of the guys that I fall for are all...not very right - as stated in one of my entries back then. Now, it's like, he's gay, *ouch. Oh, and he's convieniently dead too *double ouch. Yes Lisa, I got it. LOL. He's dead. (: His photobooth pictures reminds me that I should be doing something like that too, soon.

Some of the art girls and I were discussing that if we were to marry Piet Mondrian.... everything's gonna be squares and rectangles and red and blue and yellow. HAHA. I'll die. I really will die. And Deb says Warhol is too cool for me. Edward Hopper's then for me. Sighs, the emotional guy who paints the empty and solitary side of mankind. HMMM.. Nighthawk- one of my favourite pieces. (:

Okay. The only reason why am I blabbering nonstop right now is because:

1. I have not completed my art homework. (DEEPSHIT I TELLYOU)

2. I have Art camp tmr.

Tmr's art camp would probably be the first camp that I'll be going to that doesn't have PT in the morning. I don't know whether to be thankful anot because I think I might run in the morning. But then again, I think I might not even sleep on the night before. OMGAHH. Much less run the next morning. I might be closing my eyes while running the length of the track and trip and fall glamorously all over again. I think the NIKE race has got me into running. Let's all fall in love with running.

To think about it, I would never have joined some 10km race if it wasnt for touch rugby. If I didn't join any sports CCA, there you go, I'll be as fat as the doorway. - Not that I'm any thinner, but still, you know, sighs. But I hated running all the while. I liked Canoeing though, HHEHEEHEHEH. I don't liek the capsizing part only. SO retarded. The drill is meant to leave you speechless. UNDERWATER AND SLAP THE BOAT 3 TIMES THANKS!

I'm reluctant to go for the art camp tmr. I think I'm not bringing my sleeping bag. We're gonna sleep in the fusion house and it's gonna be cold like mad.

we were meant to live for so much more

but we lost ourselves.

The Brightest, of All The Colours

Last night,

I fell in love. :D

Your voice, was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other

You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your eyes was the brightest of all the colours

I don't wanna ever love another

You'll always be my thunder

So bring on the rain

And bring on the thunder.

<3